Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
