Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
