i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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