So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
