You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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