my phone needs a breathalizer
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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