first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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