Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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