Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
