The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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