im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
