I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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