I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
