is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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