Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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