GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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