I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
