I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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