She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
im on a boat
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