he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
