One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize