I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's rum buckets o'clock
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
