So drunk its hurt
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
