tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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