new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
