You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
