I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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