i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
