Banned from zoo.
Again?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
