Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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