you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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