How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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