I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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