i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
