good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize