I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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