my phone needs a breathalizer
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
