do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
