i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
not ubering you a puppy
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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