Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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