got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
