Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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