Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
