Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
