God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
