last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize