I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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