I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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