and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
