i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
