did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
