It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
