She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
