I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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