Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
