I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
