dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You made out with two different species that night
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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