A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
