I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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