I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
