I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
