okay pat passed out under dana's car
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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