shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
